September 22, 2023

I had a hysterectomy on the 18th. It was partially to reduce my PMDD and blood clot risk (since they run in my family and I had to take Birth control to manage my pmdd), and partially a gender affirming surgery. You know, the mainstream idea is that most people who get hysterectomies do so when there's no other option, and that getting a hysterectomy is supposed to make you sad for all the kids you can't have anymore. I never experienced this. I wish I could say that I made peace with never being able to be a parent (even if I adopt, I'm still just not cut out for parenthood), but I love children so very much and I wish, desperately, that one day I could be a parent. But that's not happening, and I've at least accepted that, and I do not regret my hysterectomy one fucking bit. I also found out after the surgery that due to a condition, I was never able to have kids anyway.

One thing I noticed after being in recovery for a few days is that my migraines are different. They're less intense. I find my emotions calmer. I feel so, so much better, even with the awkward recovery period. It's literally one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself, and I'm eternally grateful to have an OBGYN who listened to me every step of the way & put my care in my own hands when I said I wanted a hysterectomy at 22. I'm not going to lie; I had a very traumatic surgery as a kid and it made me terrified to have surgery ever again. I spent months panicking. But it was fine!! I faced my fears!!! I got Reward for the mortifying ordeal of being unconscious on an operating table!

Overall my life has been the same voidlike Thing, but I feel confident that I can go forward and be better now, go out into the world more, and face my fears.
mood: alienated        listening to: cells shaped like stars